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Le rant

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That feels better. I’ve been angry for hours and didn’t know what to do with myself. Rargh.



Last night I dreamed I walked through a snowstorm - not too heavy but annoying enough. I was on my way to help out the Nostalgia Critic. He couldn't leave his radio show so I agreed to do a live webcam review on his behalf. So I got to the studio and I had to wear a yellow biker suit (think Kill Bill) and an orange cap. I played around with the cap (which was too big) trying to work out where I wanted to wear the peak without looking like a douche and I suddenly became aware you could see my breasts really clearly on the camera. I took the biker jacket off but you could still see them through the black t-shirt underneath. It's weird - they were smaller than my real ones but just somehow more obvious. And I couldn't change the camera angle because his reviews are always mid-shots. So I'm sat there whining and waiting for the live feed to start and realising that what was annoying me most was that people would think I was Nostalgia Chick rather than Nostalgia Critic and I felt even worse because it made me seem like a misogynistic douche who thought Chick was lesser than Critic and I love her, I really do! I just didn't want to be her on camera.

I suppose when even your own dreams don't bother with subtlety and metaphors, you know where your life is at.


I hope my wandering off during a discussion about gayness doesn't put my family on red alert.

Oh goodie...

Man I was having a great time in our Ace chatroom last night until some random people barged in. They were Portugeuse so they were talking amongst themselves but my name was mentioned in an unpleasant context. Well, not unpleasant per se, but not a context I wanted. And I began to lament as usual.

But I digress.

I have loads of Uni work suddenly. I know I was complaining that there was nothing at all before and I should shut up because I got what I wanted. Actually it's not the workload so much. It's the research and interviews. ai h8 2 intrvu. I'm finding bugger all on Sinn Fein's broadcasting ban.

I might pick a subject and do a proper blog later. Just to get back into writing. I might do another book-movie review (I've not forgotten about them, honest!).

Actually, OMG I'll do Disney's Tarzan. I just finished the book and I have so many nits to pick!

in ur interwebz

A quick heads up that I shall be formativing (yes that's a word now) new YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, Deviantart accounts and forming a tumblr. Basically I need to have 'normal' accounts for the people in the real world to see and I need 'true' accounts for when I want to post about cocks and unicorns.

Well, I'd do that anyway, but you know what I mean.

Oh shit therapist.

Oh shit therapist.

I want my flat back T-T

One of my friends pointed out something to me that I know is true, but it doesn't make me feel better because I know it's something I will not get back, and anything similar is years away.

I was happiest in my flat.

Yes my cold, damp, expensive, no food flat.

"I'd never seen you happier than back then," was the quote. He was referring to my studying online at the time but that wasn't the real reason I was happy. I was happy because I was my own person doing things my way.

Okay so I worked for 'the man'. Okay so I had bills to pay.

MY bills. MY job. MY flat. All MINE.

That was the key.

My world.

I got up when I wanted (so long as it was before work started, obviously). Used the shower before or after coffee - didn't matter. MY shower. Free to be used when I liked.

As much milk as I wanted in the coffee. MY milk (no, not in that way... though it did bring all the boys to the yard).

The cereal was mine. Not stale, because I CLOSE THE FUCKING LID.

Wander back from shower in the nuddy. Why? Because I freaking could.

Put on MY uniform fresh from MY tumbledrier. Waaaaarrrrrm.

Go to MY job with MY employees. Run things MY way at MY pace for MY customers.

Take MY lunch break.

Go home to feed MY cat.

Finish the day knowing all will be well because everyone followed MY orders.

Go home. Do chores. Sad but, I loved washing my own clothes. Cleaning my kitchen, bathroom.

Watch DVDs, internet, talk to online people until 3am.

Then lie on MY bed, listening to MY music, thinking "this song is about ME".

Occasionally my schedule is disrupted by friends with food and alcohol and games.

I discovered AVEN at this time.

Figured out a lot of things about myself.

Secret from most people but... just knowing who I was felt amazing.

Even if it would take years to come out.

Even if still only a handful of people know.

Ye elite fewe.

You amazing bastards.

You magnificent whores.